I didn’t mean to disappear into the ether like that, but to be honest I’m not sure if I’m back for real. I’m missing blogging, but also am feeling really hesitant to write again because of The Thing That Happened That Sent Me Over Here in Secret.
And I have all sorts of things to write about – my college reunion, my new realization of the sheer enormity of the bullet I dodged by not marrying my ex-girlfriend, the amazingness and total fucking frustration of parenting an almost-two-year-old, the exhiliration of training for my first triathlon, and lots of other things.
But really what’s pushing me to write today is our upcoming trip to see Bubba’s birth family. We’ve told friends, including friends involved in open adoption, but it feels lonely not to get to have a conversation about it with the blogosphere (even the itty bitty blogosphere that even knows I’m over here in this mostly-anonymous corner).
This is our first time meeting Bubba’s dad, and the second time meeting his mom. Last year before we met his mom I was terrified. I wanted desperately for her to think we were good parents to him. And it was a wonderful meeting, so much more relaxed and easy than any of us would have dreamed. So I’m nervous about seeing her this time but also excited. As for dad, I have no idea. They’re together, but the roles they have played have meant that we’ve had very few conversations with him, really haven’t gotten to know him at all. So I have no idea of what to expect, what to say. He’s more intimidating to me, somehow – maybe it’s the mystery factor?
They have a lot of things going on right now that I can’t blog about, even anonymously. It’s painful not to be able to share this anywhere, but the things they have going on are things that we decided we won’t share with anyone until Bubba is old enough to understand and can decide for himself who to tell. It feels like the right decision but I feel like we’re being tested. It’s very difficult to watch what’s happening in their lives, to think about how we will tell Bubba about it someday, without getting to talk to people who get it.
Cryptic much?
We leave Saturday. I’d like to be able to write more about this when we come back. For now I’m mostly hoping a few folks will read this so I can feel like we have some back-up.
Wow, a triathlon? You are amazing!
I hope that you can feel comfortable enough to continue blogging, though I would understand if you didn’t (the whole, “been there done that” thing).
Good luck with your reunion. I’m sure it will be wonderful.
Still reading….we are here.
Hope all goes well.
I’m here too! Glad I checked in, and glad you and your family are well, and hope your visit goes (is going, since it’s Sunday already) well.
PS: I actually scrubbed some rust today.
Still here also! I hope that the visit was good and that you’ve enjoyed your trip down here. Georgia can be a nice state when you don’t think about the back-ass-wards politics of the place too much. In any event, I hope that whatever is going on with Bubba’s parents works out as favorably as possible. It’s always hard to have to make decisions about what to share–we’ve found a lot of resentment from our families for our decision not to share K’s history with them. They seemed to think they had the right to know, while we know that it’s K’s information and he’s the only one who has the right to decide who else knows it. So I completely get it and hope that your families do as well.
Glad to hear from you, and happy to be your back up via blog or email for whatever you want to process. We’re getting ready to start searching for P’s first family… and that’s all I want to say about that online.