Scrubbing off the rust

I didn’t mean to disappear into the ether like that, but to be honest I’m not sure if I’m back for real. I’m missing blogging, but also am feeling really hesitant to write again because of The Thing That Happened That Sent Me Over Here in Secret.

And I have all sorts of things to write about – my college reunion, my new realization of the sheer enormity of the bullet I dodged by not marrying my ex-girlfriend, the amazingness and total fucking frustration of parenting an almost-two-year-old, the exhiliration of training for my first triathlon, and lots of other things.

But really what’s pushing me to write today is our upcoming trip to see Bubba’s birth family. We’ve told friends, including friends involved in open adoption, but it feels lonely not to get to have a conversation about it with the blogosphere (even the itty bitty blogosphere that even knows I’m over here in this mostly-anonymous corner).

This is our first time meeting Bubba’s dad, and the second time meeting his mom. Last year before we met his mom I was terrified. I wanted desperately for her to think we were good parents to him. And it was a wonderful meeting, so much more relaxed and easy than any of us would have dreamed. So I’m nervous about seeing her this time but also excited. As for dad, I have no idea. They’re together, but the roles they have played have meant that we’ve had very few conversations with him, really haven’t gotten to know him at all. So I have no idea of what to expect, what to say. He’s more intimidating to me, somehow – maybe it’s the mystery factor?

They have a lot of things going on right now that I can’t blog about, even anonymously. It’s painful not to be able to share this anywhere, but the things they have going on are things that we decided we won’t share with anyone until Bubba is old enough to understand and can decide for himself who to tell. It feels like the right decision but I feel like we’re being tested. It’s very difficult to watch what’s happening in their lives, to think about how we will tell Bubba about it someday, without getting to talk to people who get it.

Cryptic much?

We leave Saturday. I’d like to be able to write more about this when we come back. For now I’m mostly hoping a few folks will read this so I can feel like we have some back-up.

I thought something was wrong

It had been probably 4 weeks since we heard from Bubba’s first parents. This is long for us, but not unheard of. The weird part was that we had been trying to reach them, and they weren’t responding to email or returning our calls (including a message I left asking if we could see them in May), and their voice mail didn’t have their voices on it anymore, just the automated recording.

I felt like something was wrong, but we didn’t know what to do. Finally, yesterday, an email from them. There was a car accident, but everyone was okay. They totalled the car and were rushed to the hospital about 3 weeks ago. They’ve both been in physical therapy and just got a new car Friday, so they haven’t been able to get around, including to work, which obviously carries its’ own stresses. They also lost their cell phones – and all their programmed numbers – in the accident, which is another part of why we hadn’t heard back from them.

It feels awful to hear about something like this weeks after the fact. I know we’re not the first people they would call, of course, but it’s scary to know this happened and we had no idea. What could we have done besides call them and tell them we love them, even if we had known? I have no idea.

Still.

But we are going to see them. We’re planning a trip in over Memorial Day to see family a few hours away from where they live now, and when we asked if we could see them then the answer came back full of exclamation points. It will be the first time we get to meet Bubba’s first (actually his only) Dad. Nervous will come later. Excitement is now.