Monkey on my back

Last night I actually had a dream about a monkey on my back. I was in a place that was sort of Whole Paycheck and sort of a zoo. I was walking down a hallway trying to see – I have no idea – something important? – and a baby gorilla jumped on my back with his arms around my neck. It was a hug, not an attack, but I was afraid of his mama, since mamas are protective of their babies, and I tried to get him off. Baby Mama told me I should say “No gorilla! Down! No jumping!” But it didn’t help. He wanted a hug. When I finally got him off my back I went to the staff room at Whole Paycheck to ask for their advice on how to get the gorilla off my back so I could go back down the hallway for whatever Very Important Thing I needed to do on the other end. This all made sense in my dream.

Yesterday we had a phone meeting with a friend of my sister-in-law who does, um, pet readings. The psychic kind. We are worried about the cats because there has been some snoring and pooping outside the litter box and other things that sort of indicate all is not quite right, and it started around when we started the day care. This woman is one of my favorite people, even though I don’t know her well, and so I tried to be open to a psychic pet reading even though it sounds pretty cracked even to my own ears.

The reading ended up not focusing just on the cats because she informed us that the cats were acting out on Bubba’s behalf, and responding to some things we’ve all been experiencing by having 4 or 5 kids (and more importantly, their parents) in our home every day. And then she told us that the work is sucking all of Baby Mama’s energy, and that the work you’re truly meant to do should replenish your energy, not suck you dry. It’s hard to argue with that one. Bubba hates sharing his Mama and all the recent biting is the only way he knows to get his Mama and own space back – makes sense, right?

Again, it doesn’t take a psychic to figure all of this out but she’s a perceptive person and I do think, psychic or no, that she was probably right on all of it. By the end of it we were both in tears because we called her about the cats and she ended up telling us so many things about what our life looks like right now, both the things we’ve been talking about openly and the things we haven’t been able to talk about or even admit to ourselves. She told Baby Mama to try to be open to different opportunities, that maybe the day care wasn’t a forever job but that the alternative didn’t have to be a full-time job away from home with Bubba in someone else’s day care.

So I dreamed about a Monkey on my back after that. Baby Mama went to sleep hoping to dream about what might come along for her, and dreamed about fishing with a big net. She told me this when she got up and ended the description of her dream by saying: “I don’t think that fishing is my next career.” We looked at each other silently for a minute before she got it and then both burst out laughing.

And now what? It feels like we’re standing on the edge of something big but I can’t begin to imagine what it is.

And now you think I’m certifiable.

Forward motion

Last weekend Bubba and I flew 1,500 miles so I could introduce him to my grandmother.

Back in 2005, when I told her we were planning to adopt transracially, she responded this way: You’re doing WHAT? You’re adopting a WHAT?” And then it was downhill from there. When I called her a few weeks before Bubba was born to tell her that he was coming and he might be our son, her reaction was so strong I thought it might really be the end of our relationship.

But it wasn’t. When he was born we got a big check with no card. Eventually she started asking about him when we talked. And at some point she proposed that we all meet at my parent’s house. But travelling is hard for her – she’s 91 – and she kept talking about how hard it would be to babyproof her apartment. Her house is 3 rooms: I think babyproofing was a red herring. She was scared to death to meet her biracial great-grandson.

Ultimately my parents and I decided that we would all go together. My parents would show up early to babyproof and, more importantly, we would just make our reservations and not tell her until the last minute that we were coming. We were nervous about telling her, but when we did she was thrilled.

And she was a CHAMPION this weekend. She told my dad before we got there that she knew how she wanted to react but wasn’t sure if she could do it. But when she met Bubba she was beside herself. She could. not. stop. gushing about him. He’s so cute! He’s so smart! He understands you so well! He sings! He dances! He eats with a fork! At the end of the first day she kissed him goodnight and told him she loved him.

She lives in a senior independent living facility, so on Sunday we had to talk around and meet all of her friends in the dining room, at the pool, in the card room, and so on. I can’t count on two hands the number of people who pulled out photos of their white grandsons at their weddings to black women, or who told me about their lesbian granddaughters who were pregnant through artificial insemination. What a trip.

She told me two interesting things over the weekend: She felt she was able to move on this and be open to having Bubba in her family because our family gave her space and didn’t judge her. I’m glad she felt that way because in all honesty I thought we were all judging her at every step. I thought my parents and my uncles might stop speaking to her at various points. But she didn’t feel judged, so okay.

She also told me that “as horrible as it sounds,” it helped that his skin is pretty light. Huh. It makes me cringe to hear it, but I think she just may be the most honest of the bunch. I can’t imagine that no one else in either of our families has ever thought that, but all of them are too politically left-leaning (and sensitive to our feelings) to actually say it. She never has pulled her punches, so I think I’m okay that she said it because she owned it and she really has already exceeded all my expectations.

I’m not done pushing her but I’m still feeling pretty jaw-on-the-floor awed by how well it went.